Monday, November 17, 2008

---- sigh ----

I'm sorry..
I tak tau macam mane cerita ni boleh keluar.
Kalau betul cerita tu pasal kite..i minta maaf.
I tak tau macam mana nak cari sumber yang menyampai cerita ni.
I tak cerita kat sesiapa.
Tapi...memang betul i sedih..
U ignored me.
U contact i bile u rasa u nak je..
Lepas tu u senyap.
Mungkin..untuk u, apa yang i buat tu tak sebesar mana..
Tapi..
Bukan sesuatu yang mudah untuk i..
I'm trying to help.
Tapi u tinggalkan i dalam one dark room.
I tak tau wats going on.
Tiap kali i dah kuat untuk move on..
Mesti ada sms dari u yang muncul dkt my hp.
Kebetulan or fate?
God..i penat.
I bukan muda lagi u..
Not to say i'm old..
But..ini bukan zaman sekolah, or uni..
Zaman yang kite boleh main2..seronok2..
Kite dah dewasa.
Dah patut fikir masa depan.
I penat.
I dah give up hope.
Tapi tak bermakna i halalkan.
Kite masih kawan.
Hutang tetap hutang.
I tak nak hilang semuanya.
Hanya atas dasar percaya.
-min-

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Suami org- ep 5

Pemerhatian yang aku buat berkenaan isu nih mungkin dah terlalu banyak sampai aku tak tau yang mana untuk aku kongsikan, yang mana patut aku simpan. But, this one story really buat aku marah n kecewa..jugak malu..

To begin with, sape2 yang follow blog aku ni akan tau pasal budak ofis yang ada affair dengan bos tuh. Menurut sumber yang aku boleh percaya, wife si lelaki dah tau hal affair si lelaki ni dengan that bitch..(sorry but u r a bitch gurl).. dengar-dengar bergaduh sampai nak bercerai berai. Masyaallah.. Aku tekejut dengar. Macam mana lah kau tu sebagai perempuan sanggup nak porak perandakan..hancurkan rumah tangga orang? Fikirla sikit. Memangla aku faham, lelaki dah tak ramai sekarang. Tambah2 kalau ada lelaki pun semua dah kawin tapi, itu bukan alasan untuk kau robohkan rumahtangga orang..

Kata sumber aku tu lagi, budak pompuan nih dah minta putus tapi lelaki tuh tak nak. So, dengan tak de pendiriannya, die pun agree untuk stay in da relatonship. My God...Kalau ko tu dah desprate sangat nak bersuami..buatla cara yang betul. Kawin elok2. Lelaki tu mampu. Kalau buat cara yang betul, ko takkan kene tohmahan yang teruk sgt..memangla org akan mengata..tapi, dari ko menyelinap, buat affair tak tentu hala macam nih, baik ko menikah. Halal. Orang pun tak boleh nak cakap apa.

Fikirlah..hish..runsing aku lah. Entah kenapa la aku bleh tau hal2 nih. Aku rela tak tau dari tau n tepaksa tahan hati simpan benda nih sebab nak jaga nama baik semua pihak..Aghhhh...tension!

JIWA

Lahir sebagai aku..
Dibesarkan bersama kasih sayang yang sempurna.
Seawal usia mencecah 13 tahun..
Hati terperangkap dengan rasa cinta.
SONGSANG.
3 tahun bermain hati.
Aku ditukarkan ke dunia baru.
Melihat dunia penuh beda..
Dia lelaki.
Aku Perempuan.
Percaya?
Hati cuba menerima.
Tatkala akal mulai dewasa.
Palitan sejarah hitam menguasai jiwa.
Maruahku di robek..
Maruahku di carik dia.
Tinggal aku dengan sengsara.
Hanya satu pemutus dendam.
Menanti..Setia.
Terlalu banyak kesedihan.
SONGSANG.
Mengharapkan beda antara cinta mereka.
Namun jiwa ini kekal terluka.
Tanya aku pada hati..
Apa jalan yang telah ku pilih?
Bertahun-tahun..
Dan masih di sini.
Cuba.
Aku gagal.
Bukan kerana mereka.
Tapi jiwaku masih ragu.
Kalian tidak mampu meyakinkan.
CINTA..
masih sama.
Mengharapkan cahaya.
Aku mahu jadi yang lain.
Tapi aku masih aku.
Aku masih bersama kehancuran hati.
Aku masih mencari ketentuan.
Pengakhiran satu penantian.
Sehingga itu..
Apakah aku harus dipersalahkan?

Gurlz nite Out..


Kami keluar berseronok..
7 hb hari tuh, hang out jab dgn bdk2 kecik nih. si asma, ija cuz n asa. Kuar dgn an sekali. Just seronok2 n borak2. Ija bengang dengan farah's frens. Asa plak buat joke die yang memang telah menstupidkan ija..haha kesian ija. Anyway..that nite was fun tho.. Diorang 3 orang ni antara cousin yang rapat. They share secrets (banyak cover line untuk each other).
Today my twin sis ni, SPM..tx ija coz tolong adik2 blaja. N i hope da gurls dapat jawab xm dengan tenang n do the best they can. Love all of u..muahs..

Sunday, November 9, 2008

STAY AWAY FROM MY LIFE!!!!

Regret?
Let me share my major regrets in life...


Yup..it's about the man i've been in love with for years..(Me alone. Not him)
I waited for him since i'm 16
I ignored every piece of advice given by my frens who actually knew how he treated me before.Who knew how he played me around..

Who knew how good he is in giving me hope n destroying it..

I've gone tru a lot! A lot that i even regret being me that time..
And I accepted him in my life.

Hoping he's the one.
The one who would change my way of life.. My perception towards man..

The one who would make me trust again..

But I failed.

I failed to change.
He failed to change me.

We both failed.

I regret.

Regret that I left my frens for him.

I regret knowing him.

I regret waiting for him.

And what i regret the most is that..I trusted him.

He's just the same..Like other man.

Full with lies...

Full with ego..

Hypocrite.



He wanted me to be the "housewife" type..

He wanted me to be the "Yes Mother" type to his mom..

He even question me when I helped my family..

And..what people know is that I'm the bad one.

He came to my house with his mother..

He even make his mother call my mom..

He called my best friends..

He told every one around me...things that i didn't do.


Intention?

Only he can answer that question.



I choose to remain silent..
Until today.
Too much.
I need him to stop.
Just stop bothering me.
Stop bothering my family..
Stop bothering my friends.
Stop it coz its over.
I DONT NEED U!
I hate u with all my life.
I hate u as much as I hate my 17 years old memories.


STAY AWAY FROM ME N PEOPLE AROUND ME!

GET A LIFE!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

END?


It's. never. easy. to. be. me.

I .wanted .to .cry... but .there's. no .more. tears..

I. wanted. to. scream. it. all. out..

But .it's .too. much .of .a .pain..


I. closed. my. eyes..

Imagining. my .dream.

It's. not. there.

.Over.Dead.


Blame. me. 4. my. own. pain..

For. the. pain. I've. agreed. to. feel.


Blood.

No. more. tears.

It's. much. more. than. crying.

It's.the.end.

Friday, November 7, 2008

LOVE?

"There's a lot of things been going on, i will explain n it will be a long chat though..Kelakar pun ada, sad pun ada n the happiest pun ada...But i hope everything will be fine...may god bless..love u..."
Love you?
This is one of some text i read sometimes this week.
Meaningless LOVE.
Empty Hope.
Why does anyone can easily say those words wen i can tell it's never meant
to be said?
What is Love to u?
I don't wanna discuss about us.
I'm clueless.

God is punishing me!!

God is punishing me..

This week has been a terrible week for me. Other than the Ip's and briefings..The key in car trap and all...yesterday was again a disaster for me. Court case at 9. Waited for Puan Aida at Petronas Sungai Besi. Once Puan Aida arrived, reversed my car n ....My God.. some bomb or wat exploded..my car berasap macam kebakaran...I really wanna cry... So left my car there n car pool with Puan Aida to court. Later, she drop me at Nikko Hotel n i met An to borrow her car..drove to Sg Besi and waited for AAM to come.

Almost 2 hours later, AAM sampai. The man said that my T host dah pecah..because of my radiator yang dah karat kat dalam..make it heat..so leads to some letupan...(walaupun tak faham sangat..dengan muka yang sedih..saya ni mengangguk je la. So, The man tuka itu ini, i pay the money....bla2 tengok jam dah dekat 4.00pm. I text Puan Aida n she says tak payah la masuk ofis.. Yeay!! But... wen me and an both nak bawak the car balik..Gile tinggi temperature...dah dkt nak ke uruf H.. huhu. I am gonna cry...

Besides that.. including today, its been 3 days that my left eye bleed. It's so red, so macam darah beku and bile bangun pagi2 sakit sangat. Rasa macam nak pitam.. What's happening to me? An bising..suh pi cek doktor.. I hate doctors...How?

Maybe, lately aku ni terlupa dekat DIA ..and HE is giving me this test so that i remember HIM...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Suami org- ep 4 (Abby Abadi n Norman Hakim)

Pening? Dengar HOTFM tadi. Topik "orang punya". Besh2. How to start? Saje nak kupas cerita pasal Abby Abadi n Norman Hakim. Kesian & Bodoh. That's my first comment. That's not the first time Norman buat hal. Tak tau nak cakap macam mana. Bukan ape.. the last time aku baca pasal Abby, is about die punye new baby gurl.. majlis cukur jambul..n the next thing..Norman kena cekup...Abby baru habis pantang..Gosh.... artis memang macam ni ke? Kawin, skandal, cerai, kawin lain.. is marriage something cheap for them? Aku tak faham macam mana perkahwinan boleh jadi something yang ringan bagi kebanyakan artis.

Betul la kata umi aku. Nak cari suami, kena tengok agama dulu. Kalau lelaki tu ada asas agama, macam mana die nak buat jahat pun, die akan balik pada agama balik. Tapi, zaman sekarang susah nak cari lelaki yang beriman...hm.. talking about iman..aku pun bukan lah beriman sangat but if aku nak kawin, of coz aku nak suami yang boleh membimbing aku.

Bercakap pasal "orang punye" ni, aku terfikir .. apa kepuasan yang akan si perampas ni dapat bile ambik hak orang? Kak Ira kata " Dia akan rasa diri dia hebat". Memey tu..artis yang baru nak naik. Kenapa buat macam tu? Perempuan sepatutnya faham apa yang perempuan lain rasa. I have nothing against polygamy. Poligami halal dalam Islam. Tapi, buatlah denagn cara yang betul. Baru jadi artis ...baru menapak...Belum pun dikenali ramai..(aku pun tak kenal kalau bukan sebab kena tangkap basah)..dah calit arang kat muka sendiri. Macam mana orang nak respect dia sebagai artis..sebagai perempuan? sebagai manusia even.. Tak fikir ke.. macam mana impak kecacatan perangai tu pada keluarga? Pada kerjaya?

Sedih...Malu...Aku simpati pada Abby. Masa Abby bagi kenyataan dekat melodi..die nampak sangat mati dan kosong. That shows..dia sangat terluka. Macam mana seorang suami yang di beri amanah untuk menjaga hati isteri sanggup pejam mata atas pengorbanan isteri? Isteri yang sanggup lahirkan cahaya mata untuk si suami. Isteri yang sanggup asuh, didik anak-anak untuk si suami...

Norman? Beri keterangan pada wartawan dengan tenang n selamba..macam memang tak buat salah langsung. Main2 dengan hati isteri..anak-anak. Aku tak tau apa yang jadi sebenarnya. Tapi, kenyataan di tangkap basah dah cukup melukakan. Cukup menghancurkan hati ramai..isteri anak-anak dan keluarga.

Mengabaikan tanggungjawab adalah dosa besar kerana bercangah dengan firman Allah SWT: "Dan bergaullah kamu dengan mereka (isteri-isteri kamu dengan cara yang baik. Dan kemudian jika kamu berasa benci terhadap mereka janganlah terburu-buru kamu menceraikan mereka.; kerana boleh jadi apa yang kamu benci sedangkan Allah mahu jadikan apa yang kamu benci itu kebajikan yang banyak kepada kamu." - Surah An-Nisaa'; ayat 19.

So...pengajarannya.. fikir sebelum buat apa-apa...bak kata Nabil.. Lu Pikirla Sendiri...

Hari malang ku...

Wat hapen yesterday? Bad Hair day!!! Adoih...

IP yang kene masuk banyak kes tu dah menunggu untuk briefing..so, pegila bilik bos dengan penuh dedikasi..nak brief la ni..alamak, bos ade jumpe polis plak..tunggu gak sampai nak lunch..still tak leh brief.. dahtu terserempak bos around 12.00pm. cakap kat dia nak brief die kata ok, tunggu kat bilik die..aku pun pegi la dengan fail tebal2 nih..(bilik die jauh ok). So, tunggu punye tunggu nak dekat 30 minit, die tak datang gak, patah balik the other wing tengok die ade urgent meeting dengan 2nd bos aku..adoih.. sedih.

So, tepat kul 2 pm aku terus gie bilik bos, 2.30 baru die masuk. brief sket, kene pi 2nd stage plak..brief Timbalan operasi. dari kul 3 sampai kul 5.45 tunggu timbalan.. huhu.. sedih. Ramainye org potong Q.. ape nak buat, kitorang ni ikan bilis je (cik hanim punye statement). So, 5.45 brief, kene buli sket dengan TKBP (O)... ingat dah leh keluar IP before statistik meeting rabu ni (besok) tapi..huhu kene hold IP nak brief 3rd stage...brief Dato'..ayo.. ni part yang paling tak besh..

Dahlah semalam tak makan ape pun selain junk food.. rase cam nak pitam. Dalam 6.30 dah bersungguh-sungguh nak balik dah ni.. tapi..kunci kete tak jumpe. Kak ira time tu tengah gayoot n dah kuar dari bilik. Aku dengan Diar selongkar semua tempat cari kunci.. adoih..memang tak de...camne nak balik nih?

Diar kata "aku rasa ada kat kete la min"

Kitorang pun punch out then pegi kat keta...HA...memang la dlm kete... bodoh betul!!! Macam mane nak keluarkan kunci nih??? Huhuu.. nak nangis.. aku dok risau Rayyan (my baby nephew) tengah demam n menangis dengan kuat di rumah. An tengah jaga..(sorry an..)

Aku dengan Diar dok korek2 pintu kete...(tak penah mencuri kete)..payahnye..

Lepas tu kak Ira datang (konon2 penyelamat)...bawak lah Viva punye tools.. segala screw driver bagai...kami dok korek lubang kunci masih gagal... (banyak gak kutukan yang aku terime kerana kepandaian aku tinggalkan kunci dlm keta) huhu.. datanglah sorang pak cik ni. dok try gak tolong..adoih masih gagal nih. Aku dah call ihsan dah nak minta datang tolong. Hm..dah dekat 20 minit nih...pak cik tu pun offer nak hantar aku balik. Kak ira dan kerut muka. Diar terus menahan serang lagi penyelamat.. Kak Elin.. Ha.. die dok pakai kereta baru die..(handsome kreta baru).. Kak elin keluarkan alat-alat pengasah kuku.. (kami pakat gelak ramai-ramai) macam mana nak guna...?

Last2 aku balik dengan Kak Elin.. tx kak elin..nanti min blanja lunch kay. Tx Dallu.. Tx Diar..Tx ihsan.. tapi sorry la pakcik..bukan tak nak tapi..takut la.. maka.. berakhirlah hari semalam dengan tak bestnye...

-min-

Monday, November 3, 2008

one question...

Last nite, wen i was driving back i sent this msg to two person. And this is the respond i get in return..


"If i'm gone one day...wud u feel anything?"


A: Of course I would be devastated. What would u think i be?

B: Sad but fate.



A is a fren..a very good fren of mine.. Known him, not for too long...but long enuff to place him in my heart. He's my best fren..a fren that's always there wen i need him. Once wen he was so in love, i'm the middle person..sadly, the love relationship doesnt work...BUT..the good side of it is our friendship grows stronger each day. He once said this to me..


" I want u t know u occupy a special place in my heart. Nobody

understands my pain like u do. nobody can understand y i do

like u do. u were there and saw how painful it was. i hope u

will not be tired and forsake me..maybe i've day the pain will

go away. Till that day comes i'm so sorry for needing to rely on u

for strength to live and finding my way to move on. Thank you 4

being u"



Thank you Azlan Roni..







B? Sad..i'm now asking my self..y do i actually trust him?...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Updates...

hurm... why da lama tak de update dkt ur blog?

tak de benda yang nak di tulis.

u ok?

mungkin ok.

knape mungkin ok?

ntah. tak tau nak jawap ape.

ok..New updates... actually, been busy past few days. Sibuk dengan IP urgent yang nak kene brief bos cepat2...n sebagai hadiah, bos suruh baca 7 kes and brief again.. aduh...bagus memangla bagus, dapatlah penuhkan buku log kes yang budak2 kontrak ni kene buat (can u imagine officer contract kene baca at least 4 kes per week, buat summary n put it in writing?).. besides that, on friday ada gotong royong ofis.. ini yang paling rasa nak marah.. because of the STAR rating thingy, semua org kene kemas ofis.. kalo kemas jek takpe tapi kene susun..pen satu tempat..pencil satu tempat..n kene hafal benda untuk di soal waktu pegawai penilai tu datang.. my weekends? Like hell..

Why like hell? Friday tu lepas balik keje terus gie beli stok for da shop. Settle. Gie umah mak long n waited like 30 minutes utk ambik roadtax kreta atok. Done. Then drive balik seremban. sampai around 9.00. 9.30 dah shoot to Klana Resort to help umi (my mom) prepare stage n hall for her 18th graduation n prize giving ceremony.. (cute tho.. utk budak2 habis tadika).

Saturday..wake up early, siapkan adik2 n shoot to Klana Hotel. I'm the mc for the day.. (for years actually) mesti org dah bosan dengan suara gue.. anyway.. it was fun on saturday. the persembahan from the kids sgt comel.. entertaining... 5.00pm habis.. shoot to the shop. Do some culculation.. got to knw..GOSH....shot RM1300... gile betul lah... That's it.. i have to really buang this staf.. shes making me crazy ...really...


Sunday...still have to wake up early. helping out umi siap2 nak ke cameron. After that kemas umah. Around 11, settle basuh kain kemas n everything..then gie kedai. Tutup around 6, ambik adik2 from school..(balik camping SPM). Balik, tengok ayah muka sedih jek (hahah..lapar la tuh..).. tak sampai hati, so masak la kejab. Around 8.15, shoot back to KL. Dekat tol sungai besi, my fren yang nak tolong jaga kedai call 'min, knape tak tinggalkan kunci kedai?'..shit..

Monday...kuar rumah at 5.30, shoot back to seremban.. letak kunci dekat kedai n drive to office...

Gue bleh gile mcm nih... anyway..this is my life.. its forever hectic...but, in the name of love... to my family, my frens, my job... i enjoy every bit of it.. (walaupun kadang2 komplen)...

-min-

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Poor Cuz...

My cousin is heartbroken...

Babe, i may not be the best person to advice on this heartbroken thingy but..let me say this.. Wen i first fall in love (no name mention) with the person, i tot..i really tot that's it..she is so perfect..so adorable...she's the one for me.. Time goes by, things change..and she became someone i hardly recognize. There's no more love between me n her. That is wen i'm 18 years old. I categorised that as a snap love from one stupid gurl (that's me) who is so desprately wanna feel loved. But time heals my dear... what u have to do during any break ups, take one nite that wud be the most miserable nite of ur life..u cry all nite..cry it all out. Done? Wash ur face, brush ur teeth, look at the mirror n u'll surely regrat crying that it turns ur face to be like a balloon..nevertheless..u'll feel relieved...then? Go to bed. The next mrning, make sure u wake up early, do some jogging...run as fast as u can... g back home, take ur shower n u'll feel like a new person. Foget about everything. Don't think about it again, don't cry anymore..let it go...just make ur self free..

I did that..it works for me..

Love is not some fairytale that will at all time end up happily ever after. Love is letting go. U may think n feel that she's the rite person for u wen she's actually not . Learn to let go and appriciate urself more than anyone else in this world. Only u can give urself the perfect love u wanted. Go back to GOD..u might have fogotten HIM for a while. It's ok. Everyone did the same mistake as u. Talk to HIM. Tell him how sorry u are..how suffer u are... Tell HIM how much u regret letting HIM away from u.. GOD listens to everything we said.

Trust me..I know.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Confused of LoVe...

What is the meaning of love?

I never understand what love means. Someone told me love is wen u found the rite person for u. What if, only u feel that he/she is the rite person for u but it's never real?

Let me tell u a story about a gurl who fall in love with a man who she'll never be able to be with.

There's this gurl who've known a man, she never thought that she'll be a fren to him who is someone known by almost everyone..even the judges know this man. They've known each other for 4 months..gonna be 5 months.

"Hye..it's a pleasure to get to know u n ur family members...What a happy family u have there (",)..Neways, send my regards to ur siblings k..nite"

"Me too,hapy je talking to you, but dont u think its normal? takut nanti u cakap semak je i ni..any complication in kl just buzz me...Now that is a friend!"

"Nite..sweet dreams..hope dis relationship last..."

"Slowly to patch up things..heart broken, u know how it feels rite? Its a tragic love lost. Nothing much left. To get trough it's good enuff. But there's always a blessing i'm disguise..."

So.... The man is in the process of divorce. He's married for a while.. something goes wwrong somewhere...things came up, they decided to bring matter to court for a divorce.

So i asked myself, what is she hoping from this man?

She wanted his love... LOVE? Is there any space in his heart to actually love da gurl?

"Don't u think sincerity is the key to a good heart (",) that is my practice...honesty is the key to good relation. Most of us lost that..its very sad.."

"Our feelings is like a dark tunnel, if theres a lite, u'll definitely see it..whenever ur near, its getting brighter.."

Gurl : "Have u seen ur lite?"

"I've seen it but it's gone recently, n i saw a new 1, n its brighter than i thought..."

"Suddenly i miss u...i'm sorry but that's the fact...sorry"

What would da gurl feel when she reads all this? Is there love for her? Is she the lite the man was seeing? Confused? I'm confused..she's confused...

"I lost..is a love lost that will neva be cured, i tried to imagine and try seeing other people but can't...seriously i nak berkahwin dengan perempuan yang sentiasa menutup auratnya...when u cross my mind i smile...maybe a wake to my daydream..."

"I wanted to call u every nite..but..."

"I miss u when suddenly u cross my mind, miss ur text, n wonder if i were meant to go out with someone like u, thats the trusth..i want a good wife..."

"I want a good n humble wife..who can accept my poor family.."

"I takut i can't give my all to my companion...but again i'm totally back to my ownself.."

"Let me finish my court case then we can do some outing.."

"Ya Allah, Kau lindungilah dia, Kau berikanlah kekuatan dan ketenangan pada hatinya, Kau teuhkanlah imannya, Kau berikanlah rahmatMU kepadanya..kerana aku terlalu menyayangi jiwanya...AMIN"

"I'm scared i will let u down 1 day.."

It's hurting rite???..it really hurts me..to see her smiling face out of all the hope he gave...Isn't all this u call hope? I don't understand man...man are good in giving false hope..sometimes they didn't even realise that they are giving hope.. Sigh... We are just woman.. A normal being with hearts...

"I will never say goodbye to you..we will get to know each other 1 day darl.."

"We'll be connecting with each other whatever happens kay"

"I'm getting a lot of crap lately from people, maybe its a test, so i'm a bit piss off, so i decided to just go a way..I want to c u personally sometimes..maybe we can talk bout life so that we can get to know each other from there.."

"Allah telah menjanjikan pasangan yang sesuai bagi setiap insan..kalau ada jodoh kita bersama, will be it..thats the finale of all."

"But i'm scared if i can't deliver what u want..to be a good husband.."

"I know...i don't want to be balme for even giving a little hope to u.."

God..it's heart breaking. He is giving her some hope...She promised to wait. Is it worth the wait? Will this story end happily ever after?

"Ya, bertukar pandangan, senyum, bersalaman ke sekadar berkawan? Dan bila cinta mula berputik, tak tidur malam, mengenangkan jadi pasangan dan bila jadi kenyataan..yang nyatanya, telah banyak yang kita harung, kadangkala rasa bebas, kadangkala terkurung, kita pernah berpisah dan kembali berpiah dan kembali. Kembali kerana pengorbananmu kuhargai..."

"I can feel u dear..yup...can u wait if it takes time to fix my broken pieces..I like u though.."

"Bukan, selalunya orang yang paling kita sayanglah yang paling susah untuk disayang, sebab orang yang kita sayanglah yang kerap melukakan hati kita.."

That is so tru..the one we love will hurt us the most. Prove? She loves him..so much...that she'll do anything for him. HE asked to wait..she agreed. She actually allows him to be in her heart...

Then i said...tinggalkan space untuk diri sendiri... I don't one anyone to give 100% love to anyone..it's not wrong.. but u have to love urself before u can love anyone else... Wen he/she's gone..u'll not be broken into pieces... u'll cry of course...but it's a one nite tears..so that the next day, u'll wake up..sum1 new.

"Sape yang cakap u terhegeh-hegeh, assumption that is totally negative, i cleared my self to you..it's how u take it..on my side, bout u is positive, it's only the matter of time..."

There are people saying that big boy. She called..seems like it's very difficult for u to pick up her calls.

She text u..it takes u the whole watch to reply..What does this show? Ignorant?

"Rindulah dekat u.."

Na'ah..big problem.

"Betul, sumpah..now i feel like just wanna go to u, hug n kiss u.."

This is bad...

"I realize each time i don't call u or see u that is the time where each star dat brighten up the sky will drp..i don't wanna loose u"

It's getting worst...

"Baby gurl, i'm sory kay..too many things to rush till i fogot.."

"I'm in prison of love wreck, everything here are all heartbreaking..i can feel a bit of happiness n see a little spark of lite...hoping its star.."

Gurl : "The lite will never be a star weh u urself doesn't give it a chance to be the star..hope is not enough..its courage..and effort"

"It takes a bit more than courage and effort..there will be the time that patience get its
payback.."

That's everythng before she decided to make it a stop..it's a never ending love story. I wonder if it's really love, or it's only some sweet word from a sweet talker..just like someone i know back in university...Sigh.. This is so painful. Wen she decided to put a stop to it, he says don't...he need to be loved.. If i were to see him, i'll definitely say this to his face..."allow her to love u.. u are killing her heart..her day and nites.."

After few days..the phone beep..it's him.. giving suggestion...bout something big..nop..not a wedding... it's a business partnering.
And the gurl actually contributed.. wen i asked y..she says.. " i trust him. he'll never betray my trust..mebe i can't be his life partner but mebe by being his business partner, i can be near him.. at least i can meet him.. or he can call me bout the stuff and all.. mebe not about love coz its not there..i know".. and she cried.. shh..don't cry baby gurl.. u've gone tru a lot more than this in life..

U know wat..she says.. Its because i've gone tru a lot that i'm now tired..i wanted a stop to all this..

May ALLAH hear all ur prayers...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Weddings anyone?

























Hye everyone!!!!!...weddings.. it is wonderful that u can make them happy...


Aju..congratulations on ur wedding.. x leh nak describe mcm mane hepinye aku dapat jadi part of the family..thanks sebab bagi kepercayaan pada aku. urm...but sorry bout the cake.. (budak waiter tu dah kene jerit dengan aku..sorry tak niat nak rude but die kene responsible dengan kek ko tu)


Anyway, aku jadi ala-ala wedding planner utk wed aju.. buat tangga, bilik pengantin, ambik kek, hantaran...penat? huish..penat gile.. tapi..kepuasan yang aku dapat bile tengok aju & hubby plus the family hepi, buat aku sgt2 gembira and hilang semua penat aku...


Sorry aju aku tak pakai baju kurung time weding ko..(susah nak lari sana-sini)


Ape2 pun...i hope u enjoy ur wedding n i hope i've done everything according to wat u wanted...muahs..love u aju!



Wednesday, October 15, 2008

:)



Both of them are the lite of my life...the baby is of course my 4 months old nephew and also kak ira's cucu angkat (kak ira suke interfrem la..) and the other is my house mate + my best fren (AN) who is also kak Ira's mushrumysoupyshi..(gurlfren)...haha..

An helps me a lot. Die pandai masak...esp mushroom soup yang kak ira gile kan. She's a chef obviously in one of the hotels in K.L. Anyway, she's a good fren..she's always there for me wen i need help..wen i cry..wen i'm down.. anytime anywhere... Macam mana pun, kak ira memang dok gile kan die... N umma pun... Huhu... Thank you 4 being there an..MUahs...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Suami orang- ep3

Suami orang..

So i heard...orang tu dikenali ramai. Aku tau melalui pemerhatian aku yang mereka berdua memang ada perasaan towards each other. Bila kawan2 tau, ramai yang cakap. Jangan. Dia tengah nak bercerai dengan wife dia...nanti kau pulak yang di tuduh punca perceraian. Degil? Bile tak nak dengar cakap kawan-kawan. Hubungan berterusan. Cinta? Tak mungkin. Kenyataannya mereka mungkin hanya menjadi teman bercerita. Berkongsi masalah dan mengambil berat.

Berbaloi? Pendapat aku..tidak. Sebab apa yang aku nampak, perempuan tu yang sentiasa bersungguh-sungguh memastikan segala komunikasi antara mereka berdua berterusan. Yang si lelaki ni, tenggelam timbul dalam dunianya sendiri.

Berjumpa? memang takde la...

Ada apa pada lelaki yang masih bergelar suami orang ini? Hanya perempuan itu mampu menjelaskan.

Macam mana pulak dengan isteri lelaki tersebut? Dilihat kini ke sana ke mari dengan seorang pengkid. Mungkin itu punca perceraian? Aku tak ada jawapannya.

Nasihat aku pada diri sendiri dan pembaca...ajar hati kita untuk tidak mudah percaya pada sesiapa. Walaupun kita mula cinta atau suka pada seseorang. Jangan terlalu yakin, segalanya akan berakhir dengan baik. Bercinta itu tidak salah. Baik dengan suami orang, abang orang atau siapa sahaja. Tapi kalau dia boleh bercerai dalam perkahwinan pertamanya, mungkin dia akan juga bercerai pada perkahwinan atau perhubungan seterusnya. Kaji dengan betul. Jangan biar hati menguasai akal. Biarlah akal yang menguasai hati....sebab kalau tidak..jadi macam aku..menangis berhari-hari...haha.. bodoh kan? Tapi itulah dia cinta..kadang-kadang sebijak manapun orang tuh (not that i'm saying aku ni bijak)..akan jadi bodoh bila jatuh cinta... Jatuh cinta tak bermaksud kita perlu sentiasa ade dengan orang tuh. Yang kelakarnya..cinta yang aku tangiskan nih, cinta yang tak pernah ada. Aku sendiri yang melayan perasaan...but...aku realise ada kebaikan gak benda tu jadi.

Ingat pesan one of my fren dekat AGs Chambers..'be careful with man'... I will my dear..i will.

Reality check...

He hurt me!

What did he do?

He touched me wen i was asleep..he invited his friends to try me..

Shit! R u saying, he raped u?

Silence...

***

It's a pleasure to get to know u..

But u r a married man..

I'm getting a divorce..

When? what will they say? I caused the divorce?

No! We only know each other when i'm in the process of the divorce..

I'm afraid u'll juz play me with ur words..u r good at it.

Why r u saying this?

When u feel lonely, wen u feel in need..if u feel down..u'll text me, u'll call me.. u gave me all the hope in the world..but wen u don't need me..u'll be gone..not 4 a while..u make me wait and wonder..is there hope or it's just a dream...u're killing me.

***

But he never calls anymore...

Did u call him?

No. I'm afraid if he refuse to pick up my calls.

Then don't. Let him be.

But I love him. I waited for him. everyone was already there. The family, neighbours...Imam.. but he failed to show up.

Maybe he's not ready.

But this is not the first time he did this to me.

Leave him. Let him be. Stop hurting urself.

***

I kissed her lips.

U sure u r doing the rite thing?

I love her..

But she's a gurl..

Wat's wrong with that?

U r telling me that u falling in love with a gurl?

Yes.

Y?

I dont trust guys anymore...

That easy?

It's never been more difficult than this.

U r killing me with ur confession.

I'm dead long ago..i'm dead since i'm 17...

***

REALITY CHECK

U know some one..u fall in love..the next thing u know, the one u love hurts u.

Or mebe, u hate to fall in love cause u were trap in ur past. the pain and the hurt kills ur lfeeling to be in love.

Or mebe u are a gay or lesbian...that u can't give ur heart to anyone same like everyone.

U may also be the one who was so ready to get married but ur future husband/wife didn't turn up on ur wedding day.

This is the reality some of us are facing. Believe it or not? That's the truth. Tust me i know..

Friday, October 10, 2008

Thank you..

Please tell me to stop...please put some sense in my head...
Dont. Dont stop loving me. I need to be loved...

Can i believe that u realy want my love? Can i believe you and i will never be apart and we gonna go tru hard times together? Can i believe that you're a special person that was made for me? Please tell me so i know...

I don't know whether i was made 4 u..If only we could rite? So that we wouldn't make any mistake in any..At least by ur question i know where u stand..Move on then..I don't think u have the patience...Sory 4 the hope...

Dont get me wrong. Its not about me moving on..its not about where i stand..n please dont qs my patience..wat i need from u is juz to be honest wif me bout ur heart n where u stand cz i know mine. My promises are not made to be broken...

I dont know what is wrong wit me...dont wait..i dont have anyone..just move on..I'm setting up a business here..so moving on is the best for u..

As simple as that..if that is what u want..i cnt force u..sedih kan hidup ni..dlm satu saat kite boleh hilang segala-galanya.

I feel guilty if what we want will end up opposite..we can loose anything in a blink.

I will not stop oving yu watever happens. Thank u 4 everything...

Me too..its hard but its wonderful to love yet cant be touched..

Dah lama i tak nangis..tp, diz tyme its so sad..i cant stop my tears..

Since there were no more than u n me..is that i' m gonna let u go so i cud be free..can live my life how it shud be..

When i'm gone away, i hope you'll be stronger, to live the rest of your life, well dont cry baby, dont you cry fr me, and i'm praying you'll find someone better. Loving you, it's the best thing that i can ever remember, i swear to god! yu've been the one that made my life more cntended, i couldn't explain in words how much i love you.

Hope will come, thinking i deserved this now i realized that i didn't kno..learn everything n quickly learn all this..all i kno everything will b ok...dats the path i'm taking n i kno time will heal this..


OLd Days...


Mowning everyone...

Teringat nak tulis sebelum terlupe...last 2 days, a FREN called me...around 7++ pm kot. Culdn't remember the xct time.. never mind about that..the thing i wanted to share here is... orang yang call tuh..sumone yang pernah n still (Still?) ujud dalam my life. KNown her since 2003. Mase tuh, baru nak masuk Degree Law. Urm..be frens with her n we become husemates..+ roomates. Banyak yang aku go tru dengan die. Mase aku kenal die, die ade financial problem utk cntinue study. So, dia berenti blaja n start keje dekat one of the Hotel dekat KL nih. ur friendship doesn't start well actually..sebab banyak sangat masalah yang die tengah go tru masa tuh.. family, work, fren..study..tapi, aku ngan die go on gak life...yelah..takkan nak give up plak..

Mase die call tuh, aku teringat la balik, benda2 lama yang kitorang dah go tru..Man..its nothing simple..terlalu banyak.. n tak keterlaluan kalau aku kata..i've been there for her dari jatuh bangun die...sampailah die dapat keje yang stabil n keluar satu kereta.. Gen2 Putih.. Tak silap aku kereta tu keluar 3 hb. Tapi, tulah orang cakap, kawan ni biar berpada-pada.. mungkin dah ada bonding between us sampai semua benda nak buat sama-sama n sampai one point of time yang kitorang asyik bergaduh. Semua benda tak kene...(mase tuh aku n die sama-sama tengah tak leh fikir)...Die baran.. Banyak kali gak die fizikal dengan aku..tapi aku pun jenis mulut ni tak leh nak mengalah..hm..budak2 kot masa tuh.. anyway.. my point here is.. ape yang kitorang go tru together mematangkan aku. Banyak yang aku belajar pasal hidup bile aku dengan die. Almost 4 years gak aku duk serumah dengan die.. Pasal die gak aku dapat DL mase degree..yup..aku sayang kat die.. Tapi sekarang masing2 dah ade life sendiri..aku dengar cerita yang die dah pun keje tempat lain n dah pun naik pangkat (walaupun die tak nak beritau die keje kat mane..which aku tak faham kenape).. die pun dah duk dengan diz fren yang muka macm Misha Omar..(dia kata)...hm.. aku pun dah ade life aku sendiri..

Cume aku rindu kat tok perempuan dia...dulu aku selalugak balik mersing jenguk tok.. (yang suka sangat melatah)..dengar2 tok dah kurang dengar..tapi aku sure tok n family die yang lain ingat aku macam mane aku ingat kat diorang.

Kalau die baca blog aku nih..aku nak die tahu yang ape pun masalah yang aku n die pernah go tru dulu..aku tak sikit pun dendam..i fogive u..n please fogive me..

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Kita dan Dia...

Kalau kita sayang seseorang...
Apa pun dia kata tentang kita, kita terima...
Kata hati kita..takpelah mausia kan tak sempurna...
Tapi, bila kita kata pasal dia?
Dia marah panjang berjela-jela..

Kalau kita sayang seseorang...
Beratus-ratus bayar bil telefon pun tak apa..
Tapi bila bil telefon dia melambung?
Dahla, i kena cut cost pasal asyik gayut dengan u jer...
Nak pujuk hati, kita kata ; ala esok2 hidup dengan dia jugak..

Kalau kita sayang seseorang...
Date pukul 4 dia datang pukul 8...
Tak apa, dia kata tadi jem..
Tapi bila kita datang lambat?
Muka dia masam mencuka..tak cukup dengan tu..dia kata2 kita...
Hati pun bisik..biaselah, mebe dia ada problem kat tempat kerja..

Kalau kita sayang seseorang tu...
Kita ni mengantuk tapi dia telefon ajak borak..
Kita puaslah besarkan mata tadah telinga..
Tapi, bila kita bosan..Ada die layan kite?
I ngantuklah...u try tido la ye..
Hm..takpelah, die letih agaknya..

Kalau kita sayang seseorang tu...
Kita buat salah sikit je tapi dia cerita kat satu dunia macam kita ni jahatnye...
Tapi bila dia buat salah, sikit dia tak kisah..
Hati ni kata dia tak sedar kot benda tu salah...

Kalau kita sayang seseorang tu...
Dia demam sikit je, kita kalut macam nak gila
Pegi Klinik beli ubat untuk dia..
Bila kita sakit?
Dia ada dekat karaoke dengan kawan-kawan dia..
Kita?...Tak pelah dia dah janji lama dengan kwn2 dia..
Telan panadol..kita pun tido je la...

Kalau kita sayang seseorang tuh,
Apa je yang dia cakap penting tuk kita..
Sepatah-sepatah kita dengar, kita register dlm kepala..
Bila kita cakap?
Ish..dia kuatkan radio pula..
Takpelah, cerita kita ni bosan kot...

Kalau kita sayang seseorang tu...
Dia suka makan apa, kita pun iyakan aje..
Jom makan Kenny Rogers...
Ok..
I nak Peha...
Ok..
Padahal kita suka bahagian peha..
Bila kita teringin nak makan ape2..
Ala..hari tu kan u dah makan benda tuh..
Takpelah, dia bosan kot makan benda yang sama..


Kalau kita sayang seseorang tu..
Kita n dia sama-sama baru balik kerja...
Tapi nak gak bejumpa..
Takpelah, i drive, u rehatla..
Adil ke tu?
Kita kata, takpelah dia letih sangat agaknye...

Kalau kita sayangkan orang tuh,
Tengah keluar makan 20 kali mak dia telefon suruh balik..
Kita kata, balikla mak u nak u tlong dia kot..
Tapi bila mak kita telefon..
Ish u nih...asyik2 family..bila masa u nak fikir pasal kita?
Kita kata...Tak pelah...dia belum boleh terima cara kita..
Hm...

Kalau kita sayang orang tu...
Birthday dia kita sungguh-sungguh berbelanja..
Bila birthday kita?
Dia sibuk celebrate kawan kawan yang sambut hari jadi hari yang sama..
Adil ke tuh?
Kita Kata..takpelah...Mana boleh kita nak semuanya sempurna...

Kalau kita sayang orang tu...
Dia tak call seminggu..kita tanya kenapa?
Alamak syg kredit tak delah..
Kita masukkan lah kredit dia..
Ingat kot nak Call kita..tapi tak jugak...
Hati kata..takpelah mungkin dia ada important calls nak buat...

Kalau kita sayang seseorang...
Apa pun pasal dia kita terima..
Tapi kekurangan kita?
Complain berjela-jela..
Kita kata..dia tegur untuk kebaikan kita...

Kalau kita sayang seseorang..
Kita tak ada apa nak berahsia...
Tapi dia?
Hp bunyi, sorok bawah meja...
Takpelah, dia tak nak orang ganggu kot...

Kalau kita sayang seseorang...
Kite tengah sakit ni..dia marah2 kita pula..
Kita terima..
Agaknya, kalau kita mati, dia macam sambut raya...

Kalau kita sayang seseorang tuh..
Kita tak sanggup tengok dia merana..
Tak sanggup tengok dia menderita..
Ish maacam mana kalau dia sorang-sorang nanti?
Agaknya dia tak bahagia dengan kita kot...
Kerna kita sayangkan seseorang tu...
Kita sanggup berkrban apa sahaja..
Kita sanggup tinggalkan dia..Biar dia cari kebahagiaannya..
tapi..dia tau tak kita dah buat apa selama ni untuk dia?
Dia tau tak kita dah krbankan segalanya?

Tak pelah..Tuhan tahu..cukuplah...

Bukan Tak Ingat...



Dapat gak siapkan 1 IP...


Dah Setahun lebih aku keje dekat sini. Makin lama kerje aku rasa makin jauh dari kawan-kawan. Lepas satu-satu kawan menyepi. yang dekat sebelah ni, ct rozaini (CT) dengan ct haja (AJA)...kawan-kawan aku dekat Teknik KL dulu. Kitorang nye group ade nama...3GM..(macam 3G)..tapi zaman tu blum ada 3G lagik... Anyway..lepas habis skool, aku keep in tuch banyak dengan aja jek. aja plak rajin keep in touch dengan ct.. last aku jumpe diorang bulan 9 tahun lepas. Masing2 sibuk. Aku dengan aja ade jugak contact tru sms. Tapi belum ade kesempatan nak jumpe. Rindu? Aku ada banyak benda nak cerita dekat aja. Dulu aku selalu buka puasa n tido umah die. Gie tusyen sama2..miss those days..
Yang sorang lagi tuh namanye nana...alhamdulillah aku dengan nana selalu keep in touch..banyak yang aku kongsi dengan nana mase skool sampai la sekarang. Cume nana bz dengan final year. Nana punye fav food Nando's..yummy...tak sabar tunggu nana habis exam, bleh hang out...
Yang pakai cermin mata tu, emmy. Aku best fren dengan die masa uitm dulu. Aku dengan dia satu bilik untuk 4 sem. She is very understanding...tapi, sayang, nombor lama emmy dah tak bleh guna. Hari tu tibe2 emmy call, dengan nombr baru. Rasa nak menangis dengar suara emmy (biasa kalau lepas jumpe emmy, nak hantar balik memang nangis)...next time tuh, aku try kol n baru emmy tapi dah tak leh dapat..sedihnye rasa...tak tau macam mana nak cntact emmy sekarang...
Lagi sorang yang aku belum sempat jumpe..petite...roomate aku mase form4 n 5...miss sgt..selalu plan tapi tak penah menjadi...
Kan best kalau semua kawan-kawan yang kite ada dalam dunia nih sentiasa in touch dengan kite..tapi aku faha..semu org ade life sendiri ...but kalau u all baca ni, just note that i love all of u so much....so..so..much...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Hari malas saya...

Malasnye gue hari nih...buka IP (Investigation Paper) yang tebal nih, tengok gambar-gambar yang meloyakan tekak..terus potong mood nak makan kueh raya yang Kak Ira bawa. Tapi mulut mengunyah jugak tart nenas, pandai kak ira buat (buat ke??). Anyway.. kenapa tak de mood hari nih? Sebab banyak sangat benda2 sampingan yang mengganggu gugat kepala otak gue nih.

Pasal family..penat jadi kakak nih. Aku kena jaga 8 orang adik bawah aku. Entahlah..nak kata banyak2 karang, adik2 aku sendiri jugak. Tapi, memang adik2 aku memeningkan kepala. aku rasa macam dah tua dah nih...uruskan semua. Dah maca mak2 pun ada.. esk2 orang kata, budak2 tu anak2 aku plak..bukan adik2..alamak.. Kalau ikutkan hati yang selfish ni, aku nak je letak jawatan sebagai kakak. (Boleh ke?) Biar adik2 aku yang lain2 tuh, rasa sikit tanggungjawab. Bukan senang jadi kakak nih. Diorang nih, dah terlampau manja sangat. Semua benda tersedia. Duit nak, bagi. Nak tusyen, daftar. Nak makan sedap-sedap, bawa..ish2 mewh sungguh. Apa yang aku tak dapat masa kecik dulu, semua depa dapat sekarang. Tak boleh ka depa ni ada rasa bersyukur sket? Susahnya sekadar nak suruh appriciate? Susah ka nak jadi adik2 yang mendengar kata?..hm..aku dulu pun jahat gak. Melawan gak..(jahat gile sebenarnya) tapi, tak adalah sampai mendera jiwa rg lain..sekarang jiwa aku terdera nih.. macam mana nak buat ni?...(lari boleh?)

Tak pa lah...aku penat dah nih. Mengantuk.

Suami orang :ep-2

Suami orang?

Aku sambung sikit cerita pasal budak ofis yang banyak skandal dengan suami orang tu. Hm...bila cerita hal dia bercinta dengan suami orang nih dah tersebar, aku dengar budak nih, dah start menjuhkan diri dari orang. Lepas tu dok serang semua orang tanya siapa yang sebarkan cerita hal dia dekat budak2 ofis. Entahlah..pendapat aku, orang takkan bercakap kalau benda tak betul. Kata orang, benda ni jadi depan mata kepala diorang. So, aku rasa, perbuatan budak tu sendiri yang membuatkan orang tahu hal skandal dia dgn sape2 jelah dekat dalam ofis tuh. Hm...no komen la benda2 macam ni. Pandai makan, pandaila simpan. Kalau dah kantoi, sendiri tanggung. Kami boleh tengok, dengar & nasihat apa yang patut. Tapi, yang boleh buat keputusan, diri sendiri. Jangan nanti dah kena serang baru nak menangis cari kawan-kawan. Masa tu, aku pun tak nak campur...


Oklah, banyak keje nak buat dekat ofis ni. Karang ada pula mulut yang kata aku ni makan gaji buta..

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Suami orang-ep 1

Bercinta dengan suami orang?

Ramai sangat orang yang aku jumpe dalam k.l ni, sedang asyik masyuk bercinta dengan suami orang. Aku tak kesah sangat sebab itu hal masing-masing. Mungkin yang lelaki mampu, so teruskanla. Sebab aku memang tak ada masalah dengan poligami...provided lelaki yang nak berpoligami tu, cukup bersedia berlaku adil. Memangla kalau cakap macm ni, bunyinye macam selfish..tak fikir perasaan perempuan lain...i mean the first wife atau ister2 terdahulu...tapi, this is nothing new..dah ramai lelaki yang kadang-kadang tak ada masalah dalam marriage pun, jump into new relationship..tu tup dah kawin lagi satu..yang tak bestnye, aku kenal one family nih..wife sedia ada ni dapat tau dari mulut2 orang... ntah kenapa org2 ni asyik nampak je suami org ni dgn wife barunya tapi the wife sendiri tak pernah pulak nampak..sedih bile tengok the wife terpaksa berpura-pura yang she is happy...anak-anak terpaksa tunjuk yang family diorang masih bahagia..tapi kami yang melihat sayu sangat sebab kami tahu..the wife has so many sadness deep inside her heart...

Itu cakap pasal yang kawin..yang bercinta dengan suami orang pula mcm mana? Ramai jek yang becinta dengan suami orang...tapi yang suaminye cover baik dari isteri...

Hm..dekat ofis2 banyak je pekerja yang skandal dengan boses yang dah berkahwin. Tak kisahla nak bercinta tapi, jangala tunjuk sangat dekat kawan-kawan...bukan cemburu atau ape..tapi sebab lelaki yang ada hubungan dengan dia nih bukan sorang..ramai suami rang dekat ofis tu yang ada skandal dengan dia...bercinta tak salah..tapi, biarlah dengan cara yang betul... sebagai perempuan, kita kena fikir and jaga hati perempuan lain..bayangkan hak kita di rampas...mcm mana? Sedih..kan??

Dilema aku pula..aku pernah fall in love dengan seseorang yang sekarag dah pun jadi suami orang..puppy love...tapi aku happy sebab dia bahagia sekarang..cuma aku akan cerita nanti pasal aku..kay..lain kali la..

Urm..

Lesbian?

Hye...this is the real me..judge me all u want but i'm tired of this fake smile on my face. I got to know that another one of my cuz's is a lesbian..so be it. It is so obvious and of course I can see it from her eyes. I've notice her interest with gurls, 3/4 months ago.

So, dear cuz..don't be afraid to tell me da truth.. u dont have to cover up anything from me..

I know u know and we both know the reality of wat we both are facing..put it diz way gurl... people will not stop talking..especially bad things bout us..but just ignore them..wat else can we do..

People will say i'm crazy cz i'm supose to advice u but , the only person who can decide for u is urself..so if i try to put some sense in ur head but u urself refuse to listen..then..its a waste of time, aite? (Yeah..no harm trying) but...i know its not easy to escape once u r trap in it...so..just enjoy life but know ur limit and be very careful...extra careful..don't do stupid thing or jump into stupid 'act' without consulting me..or at least anybody yang lebih tua...remember that ok... it is not simple...it is more difficult and much more complicated than being straight..trust me i know...

Da fav question....

Selamat Hari Raya...



Waktu hari raya kedua, old family frens datang to my grandma's house lebih kurang pukul 8.30 malam. That time, me and my adik2 including ija my cuz tengah siap2 nak tengok movie KAMI at 9.20pm. So, sementara menunggu adik bersiap, i chat dengan the wife...bout old days and stuff.. tibe2 die pop ut with "DA QS"..angah bile nak kawin??.. ok ow... rasa macam darah dah mengalir dengan lajunye ke arah muka. My heart whispered..kenapa aku rasa macam nak marah je ni? Tapi, i'm very sure that i'm smiling listening to the question. So..i continued smiling n answered the standard answer..'belum ada jodoh lagi kot...' hoping that there are no follow up qs..but unfortunately...she further asked...'ish angah ni tak pandai bercinta ke?' alamak...ini perli ke...ejek ke..mengusik?? I laughed..(i hope i laughed)...i don't know wat answer to give... I dont understand why people can't stop asking qs like that...if i am to marry someone..i'll definitely make it public..so..stop asking people...



I know, i am facing a dilemma...which i am not ready to let you people know..but..its nothing simple..its big... i just hope that i cud decide for my wn life n for my own good...sigh...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Apabila aku Bergelar perempuan...

Perempuan,satu terma yang kukira agak jauh dari satu bicara perundangan..Ada apa pada perempuan? Melihat pada hari-hari yang aku lalui dalm hidup, tidak adil untuk aku meletakkan semua perempuan di tempat aku dan tidak juga menjadi satu kesalahan untuk membanding bezakan kehidupan perempuan itu dan aku. Duduk aku di satu sudut fakulti sekadar memerhati dan menghabiskn hari melihat sesuatu yang hidup…perempuan.

Terlalu indah seorang perempuan itu. Dari lenggok jalannya, dari senyum bibirnya, dari gerak percakapannya, dari huraian rambutnya, dari lipatan tudungnya, dari jelingan manjanya hingga menung dalam kebosanannya, hingga basah birai mata kerna tangisnya dan hingga pada gelagat terjatuhnya. Segalanya yang aku perhatikan terlalu indah membuatkan aku bersyukur dilahirkan menjadi seorang perempuan. Namun, kerna mejadi perempuan, terlalu banyak yang perlu aku persoalkan. Tawa perempuan pastinya membahagiakan tetapi mengapa perlu ada bait tangis dalam hidup seorang perempuan?

Tidak untuk aku nafikan kesedihan insan bergelar lelaki tetapi sekadar menyatakan satu realiti,air mata dan perempuan dikatakan bak irama dan lagu. Kadang-kadang aku kesal dengan kedudukan perempuan di mata masyarakat. Yang lemah itu perempuan, yang bersedih juga perempuan, yang menjadi ibu tunggal juga perempuan, yang didera juga perempuan, yang di tindas pastinya perempuan dan yang akhirnya mengalirkan air mata juga adalah perempuan.
Wahai perempuan, Lihatlah sekeliling dan fahamilah kehidupan memerlukan perempuan agar menjadi sekuat dan setabah Siti Khadijah, yang mempunyai cinta agung pada Allah dan Rasulullah. Setiap butir hartanya diperjuangkan ke jalan fisabilillah. Menjadi penawar hati Rasulullah dan setia bersamanya ketika susah atau senang. Hidup memerlukan jiwa seorang perempuan sekuat Siti Aishah, seorang wanita bijak yang menjadi pendorong kesabaran Rasulullah. Bernamanya kita sebagai perempuan, kagumilah pengorbanan puteri solehah Siti Fatimah yang sentiasa akur pasa setiap perintah. Tidak namanya hidup jika segalanya sempurna tetapi apa juga ertinya hidup jika segalanya dipertikaikan atas nama perempuan.

Wahai Lelaki, Lihatlah ke dalam mata hati kami, hargailah jiwa seorang kami. Kerana perempuan adalah ibu, perempuan juga adalah isteri. Dari perempuan juga lahirnya cinta dan kasih hakiki. Kerana apabila aku bergelar perempuan, aku tidak sekali-kali mahu tergadai segala atas nama cinta, berserah menyerah tanpa diubat iman teguh.

Tidak sekali kerana menjadi perempuan, merasakan esok bagai tiada lagi kerana apabila aku bergelar perempuan, nafasku demi hidupku, senyumku demi impianku, kasihku hanya pada yang SATU, taatku pada orang tuaku, jujurku pada persahabatanku dan ikhlasku dalam setiap langkahku…kasihilah aku…hargailah aku..hormatilah aku…bukan hanya kerana aku perempuan tetapi kerana aku seorang insan.